How Mindfulness allows for better well-being and positive change.
Every change within us starts with taking on a new attitude, a new perspective. We take a step back and look again more closely. Just like we can look at ourselves in a mirror. We create space for inner growth when we learn to look at ourselves with a little distance. Mindfulness helps to create that distance. Admittedly, this is often challenging - but at the same time extremely valuable. We can all cultivate this ability of mindful self-distancing.
Many problems are rooted in the fact that we sink into them like muddy gorund and then see no way out. We then get too stuck in our own view of things. Self-distancing means gaining a healthy distance from our thoughts and feelings. What do I mean by that? Sometimes we feel out of touch with this part of ourselves, that looks at us from a distance, or we feel it doesn't exist. It is important to explore and strengthen this part of us. We are not (only) our thoughts - but the ones observing thoughts. It is important to understand that there is a part of you that is wiser than the thoughts and behaviors that are causing you distress. So self-distancing is also the way to get to know yourself better and see who you are at your core.
Awareness replaces automated and unconscious patterns of reacting
Ideally, by means of self-distancing, we direct our thoughts and behaviours - not vice versa. Viktor E. Frankl, founder of Logotherapy, assumes that with our capacity for self-distancing, we also become capable of confronting and opposing ourselves. Hence, self-distancing is not only about critically questioning oneself - but also about deriving certain actions from those thoughts. This applies to the big issues of life as well as the small challenges of your everyday life.
Self-distancing as a form of mindful self-reflection is the first step and an achievement in itself. The second step is to derive actions from the new thoughts. When this goes well, this ability allows you to live a life that is increasingly in alignment with your values, goals, and beliefs: you find something troublesome, but you do it anyway. You can say you feel hurt and sad without getting aggressive or throwing plates. So self-distancing helps us not only to keep asking ourselves the question "Who do I want to be?" but also, in the next step, to become that person we want to be through our actions. When this works well, we experience ourselves as strong and self-determined. This creates self-confidence.
Please keep your distance!
If we do not manage to look at ourselves with a little distance every now and then, this can lead to the fact that we do not reconsider our actions or regard them as necessarily "given". For example, you may perceive certain things about yourself as unchangeable, even though they could certainly be changed - perhaps you just don't know exactly how yet. In identifying with certain patterns of action or thinking that are ingrained but not actually wanted (e.g. thoughts such as "I'm just overly critical and perfectionistic" or "I've always been an anxious person“) we might in fact make matters worse: The stronger this identification with aspects of ourselves that trouble us, the more we hinder ourselves from changing. You know the black dog? Matthew Johnstone expresses the healing principle of self-distancing through his touching illustrations much better than I could with words here. So much for the theory. If you now feel that a little more self-distancing might also do you good now and then, there is lucky news: You can learn and practice it. You can strengthen your ability to self-distance in a variety of ways.
Here are my tips for you:
Change your perspective actively. You can practice self-distancing consciously and easily by using a simple trick: Change your perspective. Think about the challenge you are currently facing. Take pen and paper and write about this issue - but write about it as if it were another person. Write about your problem as if it was happening to someone else. So avoid the first person perspective, like "I" and "me". Another option is to keep your own perspective after all, but not today’s one, but the one of your older and wiser self. Imagine that you are already 25 or 30 years older than you are now. How will your older self describe your current situation? What would it advise you to do?
Mindfulness practice and meditation. I personally believe that nowhere will you become more aware of what actually makes up your person and what doesn't than in the conscious connection of body, mind and soul during meditation and mindfulness practice: your mind gathers and calms down and it becomes easier to connect with your whole being and realize what enormous power lies within you. You will realize that those habits or patterns you want to overcome do not belong to you and that you have everything you need to bring about this change. Noah Rasheta explains this beautifully, I think, in this podcast episode, "Threefold Mindfulness Meditation." There are two meditations for this, both of which are designed to strengthen your ability to distance yourself. Both take 15 minutes, one is guided, the other is not.
Take time for yourself: Take your time, a pen and a blank sheet of paper. It's okay that we don't manage self-distancing perfectly, all the time. I guess no one does. Yet: At what points do you succeed well in the principle of self-distancing described above? When is it more difficult and you feel a bit overwhelmed or helpless, wrapped up in troubling thoughts and feelings? In which areas of your life would you like things to be different than they are right now? What would support you in in order to think or feel differently here?
Counseling. Some situations in life can be very difficult and we reach our limits. Individual counseling can then be very helpful. Every form of counseling and psychotherapy strengthens your ability to distance yourself from thoughts and feelings that make your life difficult. You get new impulses, reflect on yourself from a different perspective and within that, ways for positive change open up. Counseling is a space for growth, in which your ability to self-distance is repeatedly asked for and supported. I would be very happy to accompany you on your way.
How mindfulness enables growth and development
Self-distancing is ultimately about knowing who you are, who you want to be - and what you don't need to be. It's not about perfection and self-optimisation, but about your well-being, your freedom and your satisfaction with yourself. You have more power over your life than you may think. This ability to take a step back and look at yourself is so valuable to your own development, to your daily life, and to overcoming many challenging times and crisis. Self-distancing is often the first step towards the longer journey of problem solving. In the same way, as we don’t have to put up with everything that comes our way, we don’t have t put up with all of our thoughts and feelings we create ourselves. We can be fierce with ourselves and make use of the freedom we have to take a step back from our thoughts and feelings and choose how to respond and move on from that.